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I was going to post a picture of the pumpkin Matt and I carved and lit up with tea candles. He’s sitting outside our door, in fact, glowing brightly in the wet October evening. Truth is, I didn’t get him downloaded off the camera in time, so a couple shadows against leaves will have to do. We’ve not had many trick or treaters show up tonight. I guess I’ll have to give away the four bags of candy we purchased in hopes of a good turn out. Any takers?

Other than Halloween, tonight marked my second weigh-in, and I have to say, I’m pretty surprised with the results. Before I launch into the details, there are a couple of things I want to throw out there. I am a scale junky. These last four days, I’ve weighed myself literally four or five times per day, stressing about the weight that may onset over the day, wondering where it came from. I need to stop. I need to accept that weight will fluctuate, and because of all this and the onset of Auntie Flo, I pretty much banked on gaining nearly all the weight back that I had lost this last week. I had gotten into a routine of adding a pound and a half to whatever my scale said, since that had proved to be the accurate picture last time. This morning, I weighed myself, and it showed I’d already gained weight. Great, I thought. I don’t even need to throw on the other pound and a half; it’s already over for this week. May as well concentrate on next week and write ‘er off as rag week. So that’s what I had intended to do. I started mentally planning my workout routines, what I would fix for meals, etc. Because I had decided to track my weight each and every Monday right before a workout, I bounced on the gym scale. To my surprise, I hadn’t gained, I’d lost. Two pounds. Somehow. Somewhere. I guess it pays to not stress over where your number will be each week. Some weeks, I suppose, will be up and some will be down. I just have to learn to accept that, and I think that’s going to be a really hard hurdle for me. Either way, I’ll try hard to keep it in mind. So, with that, here the results for this week:

Start Weight as of 10/17/05: 288 lbs

Weight as of 10/31/05: 282 lbs

Lost: -2 lbs

Total loss to date: 6 lbs

I’m currently half lit, overhearing a podcast Matt is listening to. It features Chris Pirillo getting his facial hair ripped out. Made me think of podcasting, in general. I think podcasts are interesting in so many different facets, mainly because anyone has access to be as creative, goofy, smart, who, or whatever they want to be. And they can throw it out there for anyone to hear. The cool part though is that it’s like we’re reverting back to the old days, gathered around a radio for entertainment, our curiousity on fire, wondering what’s going to happen next. It’s pretty damn cool. And I’m pretty damn drunk.

A coworker of mine and I were discussing Halloween costumes the other day. She told me of a friend of hers, who, a while back, went to a Halloween costume party wearing regular street clothes - the only difference was that he had a potato pinned to his crotch. “What are you supposed to be?” someone asked. “I’m a dictator,” he replied with a smile.

Now that’s hot.

Today was my first official weigh in. I’ve decided to weigh myself at Curves before my workout on Mondays, since that was my first official weigh in one week ago from today. I’m very proud of myself, because I feel I’ve really been true to myself for the first time in a long, long while. This week’s been tough in some ways, not so tough in others. Some of the things that were tough were things I hadn’t expected, and other things I thought may have be real tough, were not. I worked very hard this past week on doing a minimum of thirty minutes of activity every day during the work week (I give myself Saturday and Sunday off) and did great on eating smaller portions. One of the biggest surprises that came easy to me was really listening to my body. Most of the time when I craved food, I wasn’t hungry. I knew that eating out of boredom was always a bad habit of mine, but until that moment when I really made a concious effort to eat only when I was hungry, did I realize just how much my eating was tied to emotion. Focusing on eating only when I was hungry wasn’t as hard as I thought it might be, though there are still the weaknesses here and there. This time of year is the worst - it’s like a damn candy store in every cubicle you pass. Craving a Snickers? Don’t you worry - John’s got it at his desk, two cubes up and to the right. I’ve done good though - I limit myself to one “fun-sized” M&M pack per day. Hey, a girl can’t go without her sweets, now can she?

This is going to be a lengthy process, but I’m ready for the long haul. I have to undo something that I spent twenty-eight years doing to myself, so I know this isn’t something that will fix itself over night, or even in years. I have a feeling it will be a daily struggle for the rest of my life, and that’s fine. As long as I can be healthier. So, with all that, I’m pretty proud of my progress:

Start Weight as of 10/17/05: 288 lbs

Weight as of 10/24/05: 284 lbs

Lost: -4 lbs

Total loss to date: 4 lbs

Anne Rice returns to Catholicism.

Four minutes till 2 a.m., eh? Goodie. I’ve been sitting here, wide-eyed in the dark now for ten minutes. I’m trying to decide if I should go back to bed, or stay up a little longer. I went to bed around 11 or so, only to wake up at a surprising hour of 1:25 a.m. (it feels much later) by a strange dream I had. All I really remember about it now, was me and four other people holding hands in a circle and some woman who studied demonology was standing in the middle, telling us to “not let them get to us when we go down there.” So we headed into a small basement, that was apparently full of demons. I remember one hideously grotesque blond woman approaching our group, and she started laughing, “I can read all of your lies! Everything you think about eachother, I know!” I remember trying very hard to keep my mind clear and not lose it, because here I was, staring at a demon.

Scratch, scratch.

Is this part of my dream?

Scraaaaaaaaatch, scratch.

Guess not. Anyone want to take a stab at what it was? I’ll give it up - Rowena laying on her back with the underwire out of one of my favourite black bras hanging out of her mouth, the trimmed claws of her back feet sliding down the wall.

Lovely.

After much slamming around, trying not to kill myself in the dark, fishing blindly underneath the wood chair stuffed between the wall and the dresser, I found the FUNNEST TOY EVER! and threw it in my drawer. And here I sit. I’m going to go, as quickly as I came. Hopefully when I close my eyes this time, I won’t see creepy demon girl trying to read my thoughts. Or will I?

That’s what I get for watching Close Encounters of the Third Kind before bed.

It’s 6 a.m. Brain… not functioning… yet…

We’re one day closer to Friday, and I can’t wait. Not that we have a ton going on this weekend, but this week has been ridiculously long. Saturday evening, we’re going to a friend’s wedding. Friday night, we may go see North Country. Of course, Matt doesn’t know that he’s being volunteered to accompany me to said flick, but he will soon enough. Bwahaha.

Today is my second Curves workout, and I have a feeling it’s going to whip my butt even more than I think it might. I’m still slightly sore from Tuesday’s workout, but it will be good. I’m anxious to hop on the scale Monday. It’s been a pretty good week, so far.

My daddy’s birthday’s coming up soon. I have zero idea on what to get him. He’s recently into bass fishing, and snagged himself a boat down in good ol’ Florida. Dad, if you’re reading this, just what the hell do you want for your birthday? Tackle box? Something fish-related? A rock? I have no idea. Fill me in.

Any movies you want to see at all? Anything looking good? I haven’t been paying attention. Give me some ideas.

Holy crap. First workout at Curves totally kicked my ass, but it was something I never thought it would be - fun! I love it, so far. The people are very friendly, the trainers are great, and I love how inviting, overall, the whole thing seems to be. I’ve devised a plan for myself: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I’m going to do the Curves workout. Tues, Thurs, and Sat mornings, I’m going to walk. I hope to see results at some point. The gal at Curves asked me two reasons I want to lose weight. I didn’t really have to think about them - 1.) I want children one day, and 2.) I don’t want to die of a heart attack at the age of 35. For me, the benefit of all this is lifestyle. Sure, looking smaller is going to be a plus, but overall, I’d love to be able to run a mile if I wanted, without really thinking about it. I’d love to feel strong. I feel like, for once, I’m on my way there. I must say, it feels awesome.

I’ve said it a million times. “I’m going to start working out today. Today is the day that I get serious about losing weight.” And it never is. I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on myself - I’ve managed to lose forty-two pounds over a long stretch of time, but if I really worked hard, I could have done that in a number of months, not years.

My best friend and I have made a commitment to join Curves. We start today after work, 5:30 p.m. I’d like to be able to walk on the treadmill during lunch for thirty minutes, then hit up Curves after work and do the thirty minute circuit training. That’s my goal. For me, the goal seems like somewhat of a stretch, but I know it’s something I can do. I’m going to try to eat less carbs. No way am I going to go as extreme as the Atkins plan; I think that’s just nuts. But I can limit my intake and hopefully that will help my weight loss. So, wish me luck. The last two weeks have been rough. I’ve pretty much eaten whatever I pleased and have done zero to burn anything off. I’m seriously tired of having to shop at Lane Bryant and be price gouged. ($90 for a pair of jeans? Suck it.) Hello, Gap. (Hey, they’re a little better.)

Today is the beginning of the end. I’ll never see 288 again.