I got my first speeding ticket ever, a few weeks ago. Because it’s my first, I got to take this online class in order to keep the ticket off my driving record. Easy enough, right? Because my schedule is so CRAZY INSANE as of late (yeah. right.) I decided to complete the whole thing at a wack this afternoon. All in all, it took about three hours, maybe a bit longer. It didn’t take this long because there was a lot of material to cover, no, no. It took this long because the makers of this website put minimum time constraints on it. So what took me 15 seconds to complete, really took a minimum of three minutes. And it was just like that. Chapter 1 was reading over a paragraph that would take any normal reader thirty seconds. Apparently down at the driving agency, they figure you’re ultra tard, because it’s going to take you five minutes no matter what. Chapter 2 was next. You had to select yes or no, to items you had control over. For example, can you control the weather? No go. So you select no, and move on. Takes maybe an average person twenty seconds? Nope. Ten minute minimum. Kill me.
What I found hot about it was at the end of every chapter, there were photos like this one:
If that one didn’t get the point across, there was always the holy-shit-wrap-your-car-around-a-tree-approach:
One of the other things that really stood out to me was this line in particular. See if you can spot what I saw:
Since September 11, 2001, more than 72,000 people have died in traffic accidents on U.S. roads. As many as 30,000 involved alcohol. One-third of those who die are passengers, victims of incapacitated drivers.
Since September 11, 2001? So what, the terrorists slam their planes into two buildings and the driving agency decides, amidst all that’s going on at that moment, that they’re going to go out and conduct a census on who all has shit the bed on U.S. roadways? Nah, I think it’s more of a cheap play on a tragedy that happened, in some lame ass desperate attempt to make us more scared. Ain’t working, brother. Show me a picture of your mama cooking eggs nekkid, and we’ll talk on the scary factor. But thanks for playing.
Another question that amused me was a true or false. It literally was, (God, how I wish I were kidding) “Drinking alcohol makes you sexy.” Yes or no. Hmmmmmm. How do I wanna answer that… I don’t think Nic believed me when I said that was actually on my test, until I pasted the bit underneath:
Fact: The more you drink, the less you think. Alcohol may loosen you up and make you more interested in sex, but it interferes with the body’s ability to perform. To someone who hasn’t been drinking, you don’t appear sexy, but drunk.
….
Can’t forget this guy, though. It was in the road rage section:
I was so hoping for a dude bailing out of the car with a machete, hair askew, but alas…
Oh, I almost forgot. According to the stress test in this rig, I have a 30% shot of coming down with a disease in the next year. Beat ‘em to it! That bout of syphil- … Oh.
